 |  |  |  |  |  |
By TERRY THURMOND SPECIAL TO THE PACIFIC INTELLIGENCER
JUSTIN Bieber was recently hit with a paternity suit. The charge shocked and
dismayed millions of his young fans, as the world may now hear him say under oath
whether he is straight or gay.
Almost all of Bieber's allure consists of his androgynous good looks and
questionable sexual orientation. No sober individual who has listened to more than
10 seconds of his music could believe that his soulless, pre-fabricated regurgitation
of audio-feces could register among anyone as enjoyable. It's unclear who is
purchasing Bieber albums besides the committee at Guantanamo Bay which
assembles the 24-hour noise lineup used to break Al-Qaeda detainees and Florida's
enormous community of masochistic pedophiles.
Bieber's army of publicists, supported by deep-pocketed advertising corporations,
have been more than happy to exploit the orientation question by providing
tabloids with a steady diet of homosexually-suggestive anecdotes. For instance,
several months ago it was revealed that Bieber prefers to wear women's jeans,
something no non-hipster heterosexual male would ever consider doing.
Bieber's only true talent is his ability to morph bizarrely between appearing as a man
or a woman. To keep fans guessing--and the tabloids printing--every few months he
places himself in front of the paparazzi as either a relatively masculine girl or a very
feminine boy.
The lawsuit threatens to end Bieber Fever because questions about his
sexuality--once answered--will suddenly turn into questions about his musical
talents. For the sake of our ears, however, this is a good thing.
So stop the games, Justin. After you are put under oath, lets hear it. You may lose
fans when they are no longer forced to guess about which way you play, but it may
just force you to improve your music.
JUSTIN Bieber was recently hit with a paternity suit. The charge shocked and
dismayed millions of his young fans, as the world may now hear him say under oath
whether he is straight or gay.
Almost all of Bieber's allure consists of his androgynous good looks and
questionable sexual orientation. No sober individual who has listened to more than
10 seconds of his music could believe that his soulless, pre-fabricated regurgitation
of audio-feces could register among anyone as enjoyable. It's unclear who is
purchasing Bieber albums besides the committee at Guantanamo Bay which
assembles the 24-hour noise lineup used to break Al-Qaeda detainees and Florida's
enormous community of masochistic pedophiles.
Bieber's army of publicists, supported by deep-pocketed advertising corporations,
have been more than happy to exploit the orientation question by providing
tabloids with a steady diet of homosexually-suggestive anecdotes. For instance,
several months ago it was revealed that Bieber prefers to wear women's jeans,
something no non-hipster heterosexual male would ever consider doing.
Bieber's only true talent is his ability to morph bizarrely between appearing as a man
or a woman. To keep fans guessing--and the tabloids printing--every few months he
places himself in front of the paparazzi as either a relatively masculine girl or a very
feminine boy.
The lawsuit threatens to end Bieber Fever because questions about his
sexuality--once answered--will suddenly turn into questions about his musical
talents. For the sake of our ears, however, this is a good thing.
So stop the games, Justin. After you are put under oath, lets hear it. You may lose
fans when they are no longer forced to guess about which way you play, but it may
just force you to improve your music.